Wednesday, February 28, 2007


With 47% of the vote,
here's the battle you wanted to see ...


Buffy slowly walked around the Sunny dale Graveyard looking for the Demon that had reportedly been seen there a few hours earlier. It was dark and every shadow and tombstone took on the form of a demon in Buffy's eyes, but there was nothing, no sign of any Demons and the only noises where the hoots of owls and the wind rustling the leaves of the trees.

" That's it, I,m getting a little tired of dam kids and there overactive imagination, demons and Ghosts in this Graveyard, ya right " Buffy said to herself as she applied more rouge lipgloss and straightened her hair down.

Buffy started to make her way out of the graveyard, when suddenly a glint of light caught her eye in the distance. Buffy walked in the direction of the glint of light. As she got closer she could make out the outline of a tall slender figure, the glinting of light was the moon reflecting of the figures body.

The figure had become aware of Buffy's presence and started to approach her.
Now all was apparent, Buffy could see a tall slim women dressed in tight black PVC and leather emerge from the darkness.

" Hello " The leather clad figure said in a English accent.

" umm Hi , isn't it a bit late to be going to a Fetish party. " Buffy said in a sarcastic manner.

" Fetish I am Selene , Daughter of Victor .Hunter of lycans, I deal death , and by the way surely you should be tucked up in bed little girl, as the school disco must of finished a while ago." Selene calmly replied.

As Selene was speaking Buffy noticed the unmistakable shape of this Selene's teeth, a VAMPIRES teeth.

" Ahhh ha , looks like I found what I came here for, your toast Demon!! and by the way I am Buffy the vampire slayer and this is my turf. " Buffy said while re applying more rouge lipgloss and pulling a wedgie of her ridiculously tight jeans out her ass.

" That's better, now I can send your pale, spandex clad, greasy haired, Matrix reject ,vampire bitch ass back to where you came from. " Buffy shouted as she pulled a wooden stake out from her waist band.

" I don't want to fight you little girl, I just came here looking for my friend ...Michael. Now step aside and please don't call me a bitch again or it will be the last words your skinny, Prada reject, fake ass, weird nose, fake tits, lip gloss wearing mouth will ever utter....GOT IT!!! " Selene replied in a more forcefull tone.

" BITCH , BITCH , BITCH ,BITCH !! how do you like that Demon, I meen BITCH!!! " Buffy shouted at the top of her lungs.

At that moment, like an unsaid rule, both vixens charged at each other. They both went for a flying scissor kick to the face and collided in mid air, they both tumbled to the ground and then quickly scrambled to there feet again.

They where now circling each other with arms outstretched, looking for the weakness in the other opponent to exploit.

" Your one dead Demon now. " Buffy shouted.

Buffy waded in with lightning fast punches and kicks that Selene was managing to block away until Buffy connected with a wicked looking round house kick to Selene's head. Selene stumbled back and crashed against a Tombstone and broke it in two.

Buffy now went in to finish Selene off once and for all, she back somersaulted her way to within a foot or so of Selene and then leaped high into the air and came down with the stake gripped in both hands ready to plunge it deep into Selene's heart.

In a split second Selene grabbed the broken Tomb stone and held it in front of her as a shield.
CRACK , the stake hit hard into the stone and then Buffy landed fully on top of Selene shattering the Tomb stone all around them.

Now Buffy was laying on top of Selene, they wrestled and wriggled about making Selenes tight PVC outfit squeak and squeal like two mice having a hump. Buffy thought to herself maybe this is why I see Willow smiling when she is wrestling Tara in bed, hmm feels kinda nice...

Buffy's thoughts where soon disturbed by a full on head butt to the face, WHAAM , Buffy fell backwards onto her back. Now Selene had the upper hand, she pounced on top of Buffy and straddled her, pinning Buffy's arms to the ground with her knees.

Selene proceeded to grab Buffy's hair and slam her head into the ground over and over again"Take that you Bitch. " she shouted with every head slam.

Buffy knew she had to react fast otherwise, this situation could really mess up her hair. She managed to get one arm free from Selene's knee and grab a hand full of dirt and throw it at Selene's face.

" ARGHHH " Selene cried as she put her hands to her eyes.Buffy seized the moment and then followed up with an elbow to Selene's face, then she grabbed Selene by the hair and pulled her head to the side, making Selene over balance and fall to the side of Buffy.

Buffy jumped to her feet and scanned the immediate area for the wooden stake, she saw that it was behind Selene who was now regaining her composure and wiping the dirt from her eyes.
Buffy somersaulted over Selene's head and grabbed the stake.

" EWWWWGHHH " Buffy screamed and she looked down at her hands, it was no stake , it was a rather large smelly dog shit that looked like her wooden stake.

" Fucking dogs. " Buffy snarled as she wiped her hands on her new Prada jeans.

Buffy now was in an absolute frenzy, she had only brought the jeans two days ago and she was gonna make Selene pay a heavy price for getting shit on her new jeans and messing up her hair.

Buffy started to foam at the mouth and her eyes widened then she charged Selene and unleashed a hail of evil fists, elbows and kicks into Selene. The Battle was really Hotting up now. Selene managed to survive the initial onslaught of Buffy's attack, but Buffy was really pissed off over the whole dog shit on her new Jeans incident.

" WAIT! " Selene screamed just a Buffy was starting her second frenzied assault. " LOOK !! "

Buffy stopped dead in her tracks. " Do you think i'm stupid.... I'm not going to fall for that old look behind you trick you dumbass Demon. "

" No but really LOOK, you've dropped your Rouge lipgloss and you could do with a touch up. "Selene said as she pointed to the floor.

Buffy just couldn't resist her instincts of Vanity, she had made countless series of Buffy the vampire slayer and fought hundreds of the worst Demons the hellmouth could offer and not once had her Lipgloss ever got smudged or worn off and she wasn't about to start now.

" Really .... where is it! " Buffy anxiously screamed scanning the floor for her beloved lipgloss.

Selene took her opportunity and while Buffys head was down scanning the ground , Selene ran up to her and kneed her straight in the face WHAAAACK.

Buffy slumped to the floor face first into some more fresh
dog shit..Selene looked round and saw a huge metal crucifix on a near by grave, she grabbed the cross and snapped it off.

" REST IN PIECES SHIT FACE. " Selene screamed as she plunged the metal cross through the back of Buffy and into the ground beneath.

It was over, the graveyard fell silent. All that could be heard was the hoots of owls and the wind rustling the leaves of the trees once again ..only now there was a slight odour of dog poo riding on the breeze..

Selene held her nose and turned away from her beaten opponent and started to walk away into the darkness with a squeak , squeak , squeak from her PVC butt hugging outfit.


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Saturday, February 24, 2007

Vote for your next Fantasy Battle.

Well guys it`s voting time again ....

Who would you like to see step into the Fantasy Battle Arena this time to battle it out until the bitter end. I think theres some great Battles here to be had, or if your favourite character isn't here. Suggest the battle you would like to see. As always its up to you guys the most popular voted Fantasy battle will be featured here in a few days. Then the carnage can begin..



Would you like to see the galaxy's most feared bounty hunter take on the futures most efficient assassin.

Ancient Techniques meets
Advanced Technology

The Mandalorian specialist meets The killing machine.




What would happen if these two groups of mutants crossed paths.

Imagine if The Thing ate Michelangelo's last piece of pizza.


Star Wars Hairy Hero meets Firefly's Rebellious Rogue.

No doubt Jayne would need a few grenades and his favoured Vera to take on the might of the Warrior Wookie.




"He Whose Limbs Shatter Mountains and Whose Back Scrapes the Sun" meets"He Who Shouts Spooooon"




Could the slayer become the slain?

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Sunday, February 18, 2007

Yoda vs gollum - Fantasybattles
Proudly Presents
------------------------YODA VS GOLLUM

The space cruisers doors opened with a woosh and a voice rang out " Well here we are Master , the Misty Mountains of Rhovanion , Enjoy your stay here Master Yoda We will pick you up in two days " The cruiser pilot shouted as Master Yoda walked slowly down the ramp .

" here nice it is , Meditation easy to find me thinks "Yoda said to himself as he gestured to the cruiser pilot with a wave.

Yoda turned his back on the space cruiser and pulled his hood up to protect him from the debris as the cruiser lifted up and then shot off into the sky with a roar.

Yoda watched as the space cruiser disappeared from view and the roar of the engines faded away.

"Feel the Force here I must "Yoda said as he walked over to a solitary rock , climed up and then sat crossed legged to become acquainted with the force of his surroundings.


Meanwhile in a dark , dank cave not so far away Gollum was busy eating his favourite food ...freshly caught juvenile Orc and raw fish .

" hahaha Stupid stinky Orc ,hehehe stupid stupid baby Orc , throw a rocksees on their heads , then me eats his little legs " Gollum sang to himself as he pulled a Orc leg off and started to gnaw and rip it with his sharp teeth.

Gollum devowerd the juvenile ork , and then started to gnaw on a raw fish head.
" stupid slippery little fishees , gollum comes and eats there brainsees " Gollum sang and giggled as he munched the fish head.

Gollum munched on the fish head as he clambered over the rocks in the cave and made his way out of the entrance of the dark cave and into the woods.

" Always hungry ...poor Gollum .. is always hungry " Gollum said to himself as he picked up a large rock and started to search for more young ork to eat.

He creeped silently through the woods searching and listening for the tell tale snorts of a lost Ork that he could ambush .

" Clever Gollum , clever gollum , you is hunting orcsees , yummy little orcsees " Gollum whispered to himself as he crept through the wood.

Suddenly Gollum stopped and ducked down behind a tree stump , then he slowley rose his head up over the stump , his eyes wide with dissbelief. He had seen the biggest baby orc that he had ever seen , slightly green , and pointy eared , but just sitting there on a rock..

" I sees you stupid orcsees , but you are the biggest fattest greenest orcsees that gollum have every seen "Gollum giggled to himself as he drew his arm back to give that orc a big headshot with the rock.

Gollum launched the rock with all his power at the little green ork, just as the rock was about to make contact , to Gollums utter amazement the ork didnt even open its eyes but just held out its green hand and the rock stopped dead and just hovered infront of its hand .

YODA turned slowly to face the rock assailant with the rock still hovering infront of his hand " Throw rocks will you , when meditating I am " Yoda said in a slightly pissed of voice.

Gollum leaped over the tree stump and charged Yoda letting out a frenzied scream " ARGHHH STUPID FAT LITTLE ORCSEES!!!!! "

Yoda backflipped of off the rock and landed to face Gollum , and with a flick of his wrist used the Jedi Force to propell the rock at Gollums head.

WHAAAACK ......the rock hit Gollum full in the face making his head fly back and his legs fly foreward , resulting in gollum skidding along the ground for a good 10 ft on his ass.

" OOOOOHHH My Ring , My Ring.... " Gollum screeched as he pulled a rather wicked looking twig out of his ass .

Yoda now leapt high into the air completed a tripple tripple front sommersault with a half pike twist and knee tuck thrown in for good measure ,( cause Yoda can be a smart arse like that ) and landed with the gracefullness of a cat straight on Gollums shoulders.

" FAT!! Yoda you Call!! ,a big mistake you make I think " Yoda said as he poked Gollum in both eyes at once.

" ARRRGHHH...My eysess ...You blind Gollum..You stupid orcsees " Gollum screamed and began to shake and writhe around to throw Yoda of off his shoulders. But Yoda clamped his knees around Gollums neck and grabbed both of his ears and rode Gollum like a rodeo rider.

" Stupid Orcsees ...Get off Gollum ..Get off Gollum ..arghh my eyesees and my poor ringsees " Gollum cryed still feeling the previous unfortunate stick penetration trauma he had suffered.

Yoda just rode Gollum all the harder for hearing this." Throw rocks at a Jedi will you, call Yoda FAT will you , Interrupt meditation will you.. learn a lesson now you will " Master Yoda said in an angry voice.

Then suddenly Yoda let out an incredible high pitched squeel , and done a full reverse half pike , twin knee tucked , double front somersault and landed in a heap on the floor holding between his little green legs.

" AHAHAHAH ...clever Gollum...hahah ..clever gollum " Gollum shrieked in a frenzied state.

" heheh , I bitsees your little precious I did with my teethsees " Gollum giggled and laughed to himself."How does the Little stupid Fat orcsees like that "

Yoda,s face turned to pure rage now , he rose up 10 ft of the ground and floated above the frenzied Gollum who was dancing around on the floor rubbing his eyes and ears and checking if there wasn,t anymore sticks embedded in his ass.

" PAY NOW YOU WILL A BIG PRICE !!! , BITE A JEDIS JEWELS WILL YOU " Yoda shouted in a slightly higher pitched voice than normal.

" FUCK YOU UP I WILL , NOW USE THE FORCE WILL I " Yoda closed his eyes and put his fore finger to his temple .

Then without warning Gollum was lifted up by Yodas Jedi force and turned upside down into a pile driver position and was repeatedly smashed into the ground head first .

"Bite a Jedi,s jangelly bits you will no more" Yoda shouted while smashing Gollums head now into a near by tree .

" The pain of Yoda now you will feel " Yoda said regaining his composure then flicked his finger from left to right .

Gollum now fell to the ground in a heap , then his left leg moved fully to the left and his right moved fully to the right so he was now sitting in a splits position, a little hobbit like fart escaped.

Yoda then pointed at Gollum and Gollum started to skid along the ground on his ass at great speed , collecting many more sticks in his ring as he slid , and then WHACKK , he was slammed crutch first into a rock OOOOFFFFF....

" AWW my precious , my precious " Gollum started to cry and hold between his legs.

"Finished with you I have not" Yoda said as he floated gracefully down to the ground and then gave his Jedi jewels a little rub.

Gollum turned to face Yoda and started to crawl towards him " Please....Please Gollum didnt meen to hurtees you ...Gollum is Good....Gollum is good..Its was a mistaksees ..I didnt meen to hit you with the rock....ummmm It wasnt me.Please little orcsees .PLEASE.... "

Yoda was now standing over the crushed and crying Gollum .Gollum looked up with sad wide eyes" Please dont hurtsees poor Gullum anymore...please "

Yoda looked sympatheticly down at the broken and tearful Gollum " A big stength is forgivness I feel " Master Yoda said in a calming voice" Conflict in you let go you must ,lesson learnt I feel you have had today "

Yoda extended his hand to Gollum to help him up .

" Thankyou..Thankyou ...Gollum is your friend " Gollum said sweetly through his tears.
Gollum held yodas outstretched hand " Gollum is friend " he said wiping the tears from his eyes , then Gollums face tuned from Sweet to Evil in an instant and he
jumped up and he sank his teeth into yodas hand .

" ARGHHHHH " yoda screamed

" FUCKED UP YOU HAVE NOW" Yoda shreiked as he reached to his belt and extended his Lightsaber with lightning reflexeses.

" Know what you're thinking, I do. Only five or six times did I use my lightsaber? In this excitement, to tell you, lost track of it myself I did! But as this is a .45 lightsaber, most powerful lightsaber in the world this is, and would take your head clean off, a question, ask yourself! Do I feel lucky? WELL DO YA, Gollum? " Yoda said in a Dirty harry Jedi kinda way.

" NOW GOLLUM BURGERS YOU WILL BECOME " Yoda screamed as he unleashed a barrage of sickening lightsaber blows on gollum from every angle . ZOOM ... ZIIING ...ZOOM....ZAANG .

it was over.....

" Death is a natural part of life , rejoice for those around you who transform into the force I must, mourn them do not, miss them do not , attachment leads to jealousy , the shadow of greed that is, the path to the dark side it is " Yoda said in a respectfull way as he looked down at his opponant.

Yoda tuned his back on the smoking sizzeling kebab that was Gollum and cocked his leg up and with a little wiggle of his ears let out a Little Jedi fart in the direction of his slain enemy.

" OWNED YOU HAVE BEEN " he said as he walked away coressing his little Jedi jewels.

----------------------------------------------=------The end

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Saturday, February 17, 2007

STAR WARS -Fantasybattle

Well guys thanks for all your votes and comments for the next FANTASYBATTLE .

The most popular FANTASYBATTLE voted for by you guys is...

with 25% of the vote

So its the twisted GOLLUM vs the powerful YODA that are flung into the Fantasybattle arena to see who comes out victorious .
This Battle will be brought to you within the next few days. Do you guys think that Yoda should be allowed to use his lightsaber or not? & do you think Gollum will scream " please don't kick me in my precious" to Yoda ..

I think Yoda is over estimating Gollums fighting abilities, he was pictured here after he heard the news of this Fantasybattle machup taking a

So the contestants are ready and the Fantasybattle is set.
Let me know how you think it will go?

To keep you guys entertained until Gollum & Yoda get it on , check this video out .

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, is a videogame developed by LucasArts for the ps3 & xbox, which casts players as Darth Vader's "Secret Apprentice" and promises to unveil new revelations about the Star Wars galaxy. The game, with input from George Lucas, is set during the largely unexplored era between Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith and Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope. In it players will assist Lord Vader in his quest to rid the universe of Jedi and face decisions that could change the course of their destiny. It does look really cool.
Thanks again for your great Fantasybattle suggestions .

Should Yoda use his lightsaber in this battle?

How do you think the Fantasybattle will go?

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Superheros vs Xmen vs physcos vs who ever you put in the FANTASYBATTLES arena.

Get voting to see the next FANTASYBATTLE in all its dark force choking , X-ray eye burning , lightsaber duelling , face punching , axe wielding , chainsaw revving , superhero flying , physco chasing , planet crushing , droid dropping , robot crushing GLORY !!
Or if your favourite characters are not on the list , leave the Fantasybattle you would like to see the most in comments and we will bring it to you within the next few days.
This is a site where there is no rules Its all FANTASY , apart from

Only the strongest will survive .

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Friday, February 09, 2007

Fantasybattles EWOKS VS SMURFS

EWOKS ------- VS ------ --- SMURFS

"My fellow smurfs I have gathered you here today to give you some good news and some bad news. " Papa Smurf announced to the gathered group of smurfs.

"Oh I knew it ,tell us the bad news first papa." Grouchy Smurf said in a pessimistic grouchy way.

"Well the bad news is that here in the woods we have been so greedy that we have nearly eaten all the smilax leaves and smurfberries, we only have enough left for maybe 2 more days." Papa smurf said looking at the floor and playing with his beard.

"OHH SMURF IT" The group of gathered smurfs said in unison. A panicked chatter broke out between the group , and the little Smurflings started to cry.

"Don't you all want to know the good news?" Papa said eagerly. "Well the good news is that we knew that this would happen so Brainy Smurf and Grandpa Smurf have been smurfing away and built something really special that will help us. "

"Follow me smurfs" Papa smurf led the way around the corner to the workshop of Brainy smurf ,there they could see Brainy smurf wheeling something massive out of the work shop that was covered by a big red blanket.

"Are you ready ....TADAAAA " Papa Smurf pulled the red blanket off to reveal...

"YIPEE" the crowd exploded into laughs and yells and they all clapped there hands furiously.

Then a silence fell and Nanny Smurf said "Are we all going to have to eat Mushroom now instead of smurfberries?"

Brainy smurf laughed and said" No No Nanny smurf this isn't just a mushroom its a space ship mushroom and we have found a moon way up there that has a forest where smurfberries grow everywhere and you can eat as many smilax leaves as you want!!"

"YIPPEEE , we are all saved" the crowd said at once.

Then Grouchy smurf announced "Hey I once took a trip on a mushroom before , I didn't like it I peed my smurf trousers and thought my arm was a blueberry and tried to eat myself."

"Hehehe , No its not one of those mushrooms" Brainy smurf giggled and winked at Grouchy.
Papa smurf clapped his hands "Silence everyone , So we are all leaving tomorrow for the forest moon of Endor to make a new home , so pack all your clothes and make a few smurf pies for the journey , we leave at 10 past smurf tomorrow."

At 10 past smurf the next day ,everyone was loaded aboard the space mushroom and by 5 to smurf they had arrived on the forest moon of Endor.

They all set to work chopping down trees and making a home for themselves,they worked hard and long until Nanny smurf announced "OK Smurfs and Smurfettes , time for smurf pies and a party!"

All the smurfs where so happy they built a fire and started the party. They sang and laughed and ate as many Smurfberries as they wanted. Brainy smurf felt pleased with himself, he had saved all the smurfs.

"You have done so smurfing well Brainy smurf" Grandpa smurf said slapping Brainy smurf on the back.

"Thank you Grandpa ...Holy smurf that trip on a mushroom was fun , and look at this forest Its wonderful, there's smurfberries everywhere we are going to be so hap ............ ARGHHHHH ......"Brainy smurf was interrupted by a spear hitting him square in the back, he fell to his knees then onto his face.

Little did the smurfs know that they had landed on the outskirts of Bright Tree Village an ewok stronghold and they had chopped down the most sacred tree to the ewoks the tree that all the Ewoks get there Chak from (ancient ewok medicine). Now the Ewoks where pissed off....

A hail of spears and stones rained down on the smurfs from every direction , there was smurf carnage all around. The smurfs started to throw smurfberries at the ewoks , which just pissed the ewoks off even more as the ewok word for the smufberry is the "shooshimk" which translates to the "shit berry" and to even touch ,let alone throw one is a insult the equivalent of shitting in an ewoks slippers in the morning.

Now the carnage intensified into an ewok frenzy , Grandpa smurf got hit by 3 spears and 2 arrows just in his butt alone.

The elder ewok screamed at his warriors "ayon puna foooky upy doodop ewok"which translates as "FUCK THEM LITTLE BLUE DUDES UP EWOK WARRIORS"

The ewoks where now swinging down on ropes to engage the smurfs face to face , smurf hats where flying everywhere . Little blue bodies where being carried off by the Ewoks .The frenzied Ewok assault lasted maybe 2 hours then there was a deathly silence only broken by the odd murmur of "Oh smurfing hell."
The moral of the story being never take a trip on a mushroom and throw shit berry's at an Ewok.

The End

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

FANTASYBATTLES Ghosts ,creatures & ufo,s.

Well guys thanks for all your comments on the last FANTASYBATTLE ,I,m glad you all enjoyed it.I,ll be bringing you another battle within the next few days.Ive had a few ideas that I think you,ll like.EWOKS VS SMURFS or BUSH VS BINLADIN ?

You guys know the drill by now whatever the most popular suggestion is wins and that's the battle that is featured here on FANTASYBATTLES.
It can be anyone you like vs anyone you like.I look forward to your suggestions.

To keep you entertained until then , we all love ghost & alien stories ,and tales of strange and mysterious creatures .well check these vids out ,the first video was captured in a Tokyo tube station and unknown to the person who filmed it they captured something really freaky and pretty scary.let me know what you think?

This footage is of a ghost caught on tape while a prison complex was under a paranormal investigation.I have to say that If you think of all the cctv cameras around this world that are monitoring 24/7 you think there really would be by now some definitive footage if ghost exist or not.

The second video is of a strange creature that was caught on tape by some Spanish guys.It is weird ,looks like a demon to me?

So guys what did you think, do you believe in ghosts , demons and strange creatures now ?
Also who would you like to see battle it out to the bitter end in the next Fantasybattle?

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Friday, February 02, 2007

Martha stewart vs Mr Rogers Fantasybattles

MARTHA STEWART ---------- VS ----------- MR ROGERS

Well guys this is the FANTASYBATTLE that you sick puppies wanted to see :)

Three ,two ,one and action...Welcome to Mr rogers neighbourhood ,

" Hi children I hope your all happy and fine today , guess what Ive got a really neat and interesting guest today,can you guys guess who it is?"

"I,ll give you a clue she makes really great cookies and we all love cookies don't we kids, I know I sure do."

Martha Stewart walks into the studio "Hi there Mr rogers ,are you ready to make some yummy yummy cookies, and may I say what a lovely powder blue cardigan you are wearing Mr rogers"

"That's right kids its Martha Stewart , how lovely to see you Martha , say hi to the kids"

"Hi kids I take it you've all been good to your parents today,so I guess you deserve some yummy chocolate and hazelnut cookies" Martha announced

Mr rogers shook Martha by the hand and then whispered into her ear "Do we have to have hazelnuts in the cookies , I'm afraid Ive got a nut allergy and I wont be able to try them"

Martha whispered back"OK, I,ll make one without so you can try it"

"Anyway kids are you ready to see how cookies are made? I just love cookies and milk, it reminds me of when I was a kid too , cookies and milk are so neat"Martha Stewart started to make the cookie dough and engage in chit chat with Mr rogers.

"So Martha hows your morning been, have you had fun" Mr rogers inquired

"Yes thank you Mr Rogers I had yummy blueberry muffins for my breakfast and then had a lovely walk in the garden , what a beautiful day it is today"

"I agree Martha and now to make things really neat we can have some yummy cookies"

"Well kids we will be back after these words to see how we make cookies and then the best bit , eating cookies and milk." Mr rogers explained as he led the programme into its first commercial break. The floor manager counted down with his fingers and three , two , one and break.

Martha turned to Mr Rogers " man Ive got such a hangover this morning ,how long does this vomit inducing programme last?Has anyone got a spliff , I need to chill my bones"Martha shouted out load scanning the studio floor staff.

There was a stunned silence..."GEEZ .Martha I didn't think you where like this at all"Mr rogers said in a shocked voice "Do you drink alcohol and take drugs Martha?"

"Look Mr rogers you fake ass Bitch , How the fuck do you think I get through my bullshit shows without a little Jack Daniels and Green to take the edges off "

"Oh boy...Martha you curse as well ,I really am .... " Mr rogers started to say , he was interrupted by the floor manager

"Back on air in Three , Two, one.... " and then the floor manager pointed and Mr Rogers

"Ummm ... OH hi ....Welcome back kids "Mr Rogers said regaining his composure. "Well these cookies look lovely Martha ,Its so clever how you make cookies"

"Well thank you Mr Rogers ,I have been practicing for a few years now " Both Martha and Mr rogers laughed a fake laugh to cover up the uncomfortableness of the previous conversation.

"Well Mr rogers are you ready for your cookies,There just about done now ,Don't they look just perfect kids" Martha sweetly explained

"Sure Martha , lets taste them neat looking cookies" Mr Rogers picked up one of the cookies and took a nibble "mmm yummy these cookies are just the best"

"Why thank you Mr Rogers your so welcome, how do they taste"

Mr Rogers went to reply ,"ughhh.... cough... cough, sorry kids ...cough ...Looks like It went down the wrong ....couch....ugh ....way" Mr rogers looked at the cookie he had just taken a bite from and saw some little white things sticking out "HAZELNUTS.....arghhhhh, you stupid fucking Whore ,I ....cough ...told you I had a nut allergy...cough"

"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE OLD MAN" Martha screamed. She picked up the rolling pin that was covered in cookie dough and smashed Mr Rogers full in the face sending a shower of cookie dough into the air. " You piece of shit no one talks to me like that!!! ,I,m gonna fuck you up bitch"

Mr Rogers scrambled to his feet wiping the blood from his nose"Now you've really messed up bitch , my face is my fortune" He grabbed Martha by the hair and rammed her head into his piano ...BOINNGGGGGGGGG. Martha collapsed to the floor clutching her head with the piano note of C minor still ringing through the studio.

"Now who's the fucking daddy!!!" Mr Rogers screamed ripping off his powder blue cardigan

Martha jumped to her feet and with piano stall in hand started to approach Mr Rogers "Lets do this fucker " she shouted , her eyes where now all blood shot and wide with rage.

Mr rogers threw his powder blue cardigan to the floor "To the death bitch!!"

Mr rogers picked up the rolling pin and advanced towards Martha there was a hail of rolling pin and piano stall blows raining down with fury from each side.The fight continued to move around the studio ,they where both knocking each other to the floor equally until Mr Rogers shouted "LOOK .......who made that bed ,the corners aren't tucked in a symmetrical fashion." Martha couldn't resist her instincts and looked behind her in the direction Mr Rogers had pointed. Mr Rogers didn't hesitate he drew back his rolling pin and hammered it with such rage into Martha's head knocking her unconscious with one blow, her body slumped to the floor muttering as she fell"oh my god. Not symmetrical corners."

Mr Rogers grabbed her by the hair dragged her over to the piano , placed her head on the piano keys and slammed the piano lid on her head playing a G sharp this time.

It was over.......

Mr rogers stood triumphantly over his quarry , rolling pin in hand,"I fucking told you NO HAZELNUTS BITCH!!
The End

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