Sunday, February 18, 2007

Yoda vs gollum - Fantasybattles
Proudly Presents
------------------------YODA VS GOLLUM

The space cruisers doors opened with a woosh and a voice rang out " Well here we are Master , the Misty Mountains of Rhovanion , Enjoy your stay here Master Yoda We will pick you up in two days " The cruiser pilot shouted as Master Yoda walked slowly down the ramp .

" here nice it is , Meditation easy to find me thinks "Yoda said to himself as he gestured to the cruiser pilot with a wave.

Yoda turned his back on the space cruiser and pulled his hood up to protect him from the debris as the cruiser lifted up and then shot off into the sky with a roar.

Yoda watched as the space cruiser disappeared from view and the roar of the engines faded away.

"Feel the Force here I must "Yoda said as he walked over to a solitary rock , climed up and then sat crossed legged to become acquainted with the force of his surroundings.


Meanwhile in a dark , dank cave not so far away Gollum was busy eating his favourite food ...freshly caught juvenile Orc and raw fish .

" hahaha Stupid stinky Orc ,hehehe stupid stupid baby Orc , throw a rocksees on their heads , then me eats his little legs " Gollum sang to himself as he pulled a Orc leg off and started to gnaw and rip it with his sharp teeth.

Gollum devowerd the juvenile ork , and then started to gnaw on a raw fish head.
" stupid slippery little fishees , gollum comes and eats there brainsees " Gollum sang and giggled as he munched the fish head.

Gollum munched on the fish head as he clambered over the rocks in the cave and made his way out of the entrance of the dark cave and into the woods.

" Always hungry ...poor Gollum .. is always hungry " Gollum said to himself as he picked up a large rock and started to search for more young ork to eat.

He creeped silently through the woods searching and listening for the tell tale snorts of a lost Ork that he could ambush .

" Clever Gollum , clever gollum , you is hunting orcsees , yummy little orcsees " Gollum whispered to himself as he crept through the wood.

Suddenly Gollum stopped and ducked down behind a tree stump , then he slowley rose his head up over the stump , his eyes wide with dissbelief. He had seen the biggest baby orc that he had ever seen , slightly green , and pointy eared , but just sitting there on a rock..

" I sees you stupid orcsees , but you are the biggest fattest greenest orcsees that gollum have every seen "Gollum giggled to himself as he drew his arm back to give that orc a big headshot with the rock.

Gollum launched the rock with all his power at the little green ork, just as the rock was about to make contact , to Gollums utter amazement the ork didnt even open its eyes but just held out its green hand and the rock stopped dead and just hovered infront of its hand .

YODA turned slowly to face the rock assailant with the rock still hovering infront of his hand " Throw rocks will you , when meditating I am " Yoda said in a slightly pissed of voice.

Gollum leaped over the tree stump and charged Yoda letting out a frenzied scream " ARGHHH STUPID FAT LITTLE ORCSEES!!!!! "

Yoda backflipped of off the rock and landed to face Gollum , and with a flick of his wrist used the Jedi Force to propell the rock at Gollums head.

WHAAAACK ......the rock hit Gollum full in the face making his head fly back and his legs fly foreward , resulting in gollum skidding along the ground for a good 10 ft on his ass.

" OOOOOHHH My Ring , My Ring.... " Gollum screeched as he pulled a rather wicked looking twig out of his ass .

Yoda now leapt high into the air completed a tripple tripple front sommersault with a half pike twist and knee tuck thrown in for good measure ,( cause Yoda can be a smart arse like that ) and landed with the gracefullness of a cat straight on Gollums shoulders.

" FAT!! Yoda you Call!! ,a big mistake you make I think " Yoda said as he poked Gollum in both eyes at once.

" ARRRGHHH...My eysess ...You blind Gollum..You stupid orcsees " Gollum screamed and began to shake and writhe around to throw Yoda of off his shoulders. But Yoda clamped his knees around Gollums neck and grabbed both of his ears and rode Gollum like a rodeo rider.

" Stupid Orcsees ...Get off Gollum ..Get off Gollum ..arghh my eyesees and my poor ringsees " Gollum cryed still feeling the previous unfortunate stick penetration trauma he had suffered.

Yoda just rode Gollum all the harder for hearing this." Throw rocks at a Jedi will you, call Yoda FAT will you , Interrupt meditation will you.. learn a lesson now you will " Master Yoda said in an angry voice.

Then suddenly Yoda let out an incredible high pitched squeel , and done a full reverse half pike , twin knee tucked , double front somersault and landed in a heap on the floor holding between his little green legs.

" AHAHAHAH ...clever Gollum...hahah ..clever gollum " Gollum shrieked in a frenzied state.

" heheh , I bitsees your little precious I did with my teethsees " Gollum giggled and laughed to himself."How does the Little stupid Fat orcsees like that "

Yoda,s face turned to pure rage now , he rose up 10 ft of the ground and floated above the frenzied Gollum who was dancing around on the floor rubbing his eyes and ears and checking if there wasn,t anymore sticks embedded in his ass.

" PAY NOW YOU WILL A BIG PRICE !!! , BITE A JEDIS JEWELS WILL YOU " Yoda shouted in a slightly higher pitched voice than normal.

" FUCK YOU UP I WILL , NOW USE THE FORCE WILL I " Yoda closed his eyes and put his fore finger to his temple .

Then without warning Gollum was lifted up by Yodas Jedi force and turned upside down into a pile driver position and was repeatedly smashed into the ground head first .

"Bite a Jedi,s jangelly bits you will no more" Yoda shouted while smashing Gollums head now into a near by tree .

" The pain of Yoda now you will feel " Yoda said regaining his composure then flicked his finger from left to right .

Gollum now fell to the ground in a heap , then his left leg moved fully to the left and his right moved fully to the right so he was now sitting in a splits position, a little hobbit like fart escaped.

Yoda then pointed at Gollum and Gollum started to skid along the ground on his ass at great speed , collecting many more sticks in his ring as he slid , and then WHACKK , he was slammed crutch first into a rock OOOOFFFFF....

" AWW my precious , my precious " Gollum started to cry and hold between his legs.

"Finished with you I have not" Yoda said as he floated gracefully down to the ground and then gave his Jedi jewels a little rub.

Gollum turned to face Yoda and started to crawl towards him " Please....Please Gollum didnt meen to hurtees you ...Gollum is Good....Gollum is good..Its was a mistaksees ..I didnt meen to hit you with the rock....ummmm It wasnt me.Please little orcsees .PLEASE.... "

Yoda was now standing over the crushed and crying Gollum .Gollum looked up with sad wide eyes" Please dont hurtsees poor Gullum anymore...please "

Yoda looked sympatheticly down at the broken and tearful Gollum " A big stength is forgivness I feel " Master Yoda said in a calming voice" Conflict in you let go you must ,lesson learnt I feel you have had today "

Yoda extended his hand to Gollum to help him up .

" Thankyou..Thankyou ...Gollum is your friend " Gollum said sweetly through his tears.
Gollum held yodas outstretched hand " Gollum is friend " he said wiping the tears from his eyes , then Gollums face tuned from Sweet to Evil in an instant and he
jumped up and he sank his teeth into yodas hand .

" ARGHHHHH " yoda screamed

" FUCKED UP YOU HAVE NOW" Yoda shreiked as he reached to his belt and extended his Lightsaber with lightning reflexeses.

" Know what you're thinking, I do. Only five or six times did I use my lightsaber? In this excitement, to tell you, lost track of it myself I did! But as this is a .45 lightsaber, most powerful lightsaber in the world this is, and would take your head clean off, a question, ask yourself! Do I feel lucky? WELL DO YA, Gollum? " Yoda said in a Dirty harry Jedi kinda way.

" NOW GOLLUM BURGERS YOU WILL BECOME " Yoda screamed as he unleashed a barrage of sickening lightsaber blows on gollum from every angle . ZOOM ... ZIIING ...ZOOM....ZAANG .

it was over.....

" Death is a natural part of life , rejoice for those around you who transform into the force I must, mourn them do not, miss them do not , attachment leads to jealousy , the shadow of greed that is, the path to the dark side it is " Yoda said in a respectfull way as he looked down at his opponant.

Yoda tuned his back on the smoking sizzeling kebab that was Gollum and cocked his leg up and with a little wiggle of his ears let out a Little Jedi fart in the direction of his slain enemy.

" OWNED YOU HAVE BEEN " he said as he walked away coressing his little Jedi jewels.

----------------------------------------------=------The end

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